SUMMER MATERNITY SPASM

Have you ever felt maternal or loved an animal?

It was a medical impossibility for us to have a baby. I wondered, had it been different, would I have felt the same? I knew I would never experience the love a mother has for a child she has birthed or the sense of meaning and significance a mother must quickly feel when she has created a family. But I also was not sure that motherhood, in the traditional sense, was the right path for me. 

I knew, too, that when the chicks flew from home, I’d need to ask the questions again: How do I love? How do I matter?

I began to wonder, too, might this seeming limitation of not being able to have a child of our own become a blessing in a way that I could not imagine today?

***

Jim, a veteran Arizona outdoors man and bird lover, recalls a finch family that had nested in a dried flowerpot outside our home during another break in my travels. He replays the scene for me:

“We watched the finches grow every morning as we came and went. We watched them get bigger. We watched them get color. We watched the parents come and go – and they got to a point where they weren’t spooked by us. We could water flowers, change bird feeders, and just be there. We became accustomed to each other.

The parents would fly away often, but not right away. You were taking photos out there a lot. Finally, you noticed the little ones were standing up, on the flapping their wings. You came and got me.

We went out there. They didn’t go anywhere. But within five days the five fledglings became three and then there were just two.  As we’d always see them laying on the concrete, having fallen from the nests, we were concerned about them.

When we noticed their numbers had dwindled, we also noticed that the parents were no longer around. You asked me, ‘What will happen to the babies? What happened to the parents? Why aren’t they here?’ And you also asked me, ‘Are they going to starve?’

Crying out

Jim continues:
“It’d been about two days since we’d seen the parents. In retrospect, really, they were OK. The parents had to look after the little ones who were flying all over the place. And they had to get food for themselves. It’s a very busy life. But we didn’t think about that at the time. Instead, I proposed to you that bird-parents go to get food, eat it, and then regurgitate it for the young. I said if the parents don’t come back, you will have to do that to keep those little ones alive. You didn’t blink.

I said we’ll need to get that powdered birdseed that we had for the quail and soak a big batch of it in your mouth for a while. Now I didn’t bat an eye when I said it because I was just smartin’ off. But you had a very serious look on your face, you were seriously considering it. Either that or you were just stunned by the prospect.

I said to you, ‘All we need is an eyedropper.’ We’d had one that we’d obtained to feed the baby quail. The entire time I’m dyin’, crackin’ up, thinking, ‘This is going to be a blast. She’s really going to do this.’

Sure enough, we got two tablespoons of this bone-dry powder in your mouth. You said it was so dry. It was funny to watch you try to talk and not spill any. It was also funny to watch you alternatively fight your swallow and your gag reflex at the same time. Your mouth was so dry, you wanted water but I told you, no, the chicken scratch needs to be moistened only by your saliva so it partially digests for the babies.”

The Ask

“So you stood for nearly twenty minutes, your mouth parched with birdseed, a vein in your forehead started to bulge, as did your eyes, as you realized in panic this was not going to be as easy as you thought.

So you spit it into a bowl and tried to juice up with more saliva to put in it.

Ultimately, the finch babies did not like our cooking. They didn’t touch the food, and they screamed so loud, their parents came back.

Most people in this situation would have sensed they were being messed with and stopped, but you didn’t care. Your maternal instinct and commitment were so strong, you stuck with it to the end.”

The Delivery

How Caleb came to us became less important to us when we discovered the impact he would have on our lives.

***

We had absolutely no plans to add to our family. We did not want the additional responsibility; we knew how much I traveled. And I did not want more things to tug me back home. As a girlfriend would say later, “Are you crazy? You’ve said it’s like having a lung pulled out each time you leave Jim for a long trip. Now this?”

Jim would later describe it as a “heart decision.”

***

From the moment I saw his face, held him in my arms, felt his heartbeat against my chest, I immediately felt Love.

I smelled his breath, warm against me, needing, wanting, knowing, somehow, I would love him always as he grew and changed – my Caleb.

Within the first few weeks he lived with us – my hips oddly and inexplicably widened and my breasts grew one bra size. One night, Jim said with a smile, “Who says there’s only one way to give birth?

“You had this summer maternity spasm…this one was more intense than ever.”

Heart Decision

As I’d sit looking at my new family, I’d also think how much I have seen in these past couple of years:

A woman in a small-town cafe holds a stranger’s hands and offers her a peace prayer.

A man brushes his lover’s teeth just hard enough so it works and soft enough so it feels good.

A monk who wants to marry and have a big family does – though not how he originally envisioned.

A poet does not hide behind his books but treats me, us, like guests at God’s party.

As the monk shared with me in his hand-written poetry that arrived magically the day I sit to complete this story: “Plant love on every hillside and in every valley, and you will reap it there.”

New Family

I have now witnessed – and will carry with me always – the knowing that there are many, many ways to love: That this can expand us and fulfill us – if we follow the clues.

And maybe, just maybe, someday I’ll come to love as consistently and unconditionally as my dog. Scamper past boundaries. Love thy neighbor [dog] as thyself. And greet every stranger just as a friend I haven’t yet met.

Beloved Neighbor

***

Do you “Choose How You Live and Experience Magic” regularly? This was the phrase that Jim and I came up with when reminiscing about this story.

How can we do this more routinely?

I chose the affirmation “I live in-Spirit and experience love with no boundaries.”

And selected this action: “At the beginning of my day, I take a few minutes and reflect: what does this affirmation really mean to me? In what contexts of my life does it fit? I slow down, drink a cup of tea; breathe. I know that the daily practice of expressing an affirmation each morning often produces results that are tangible, palpable, sometimes seemingly magical – and truly how we can all live every day, if we choose.”

I am so grateful for these reflections, and the chance to live into this even more today. I hope it inspires you, too! ❤️

***

Jillian Robinson Weaver is an Emmy-winning TV Producer, Author/Photographer, and Coach, whose passion is to help people live their Highest Self. Come join her on Instagram to connect! https://www.instagram.com/jillianrobinsonweaver/